Cold and Warm

It's January and it's cold outside. Tonight, the rain and wind knock at the walls and windows of my house teasing me as if they could invade the warm, safety of the inside. It's comforting and unsettling at the same time. The two reactions to the night sounds don't mix but I am oh so familiar with the feeling. Contradictory. Opposites. And I think about how many other situations produce similar moods and I find there are many. When I go to work every day, I am thankful for my job, the challenges it brings to my mind, the differences that I can make in peoples' lives, and I want to stay home and retire. Conflict. I give in and indulge in a food, that is high in calories but it tastes so delicious. I know that it will take days to counteract the damage that was done, but the pleasure of the moment wins out. And I am satisfied and dissatisfied. And what is it about watching my children grow up, make choices - both good and bad - and the odd way that I feel proud and sad at exactly the same time. Crying with a smile on my face.
So, I sit in the safe, silence of my home listening to the rain and wind whip around outside and I wonder how to feel.