It is true that the people that we love the most can also deliver the deepest hurt. Sadly, I, like many others have experienced this first hand. Sadly, I, like others have been on the receiving end of the hurt and as well as the giving end. I can't make up my mind which one hurts more.
I have a friend who I have loved like a sister. The enjoyment of our friendship was very "David and Jonathon", if you will. We understood each other easily and without effort. But, due to the influence of various events, our friendship has taken very drastic turns in our ability to remain close. Some of these changes are out of our control, but some are changes that one or the other of us have purposefully made. A few of them were meant to have positive results and a couple of them have been made in response to hurt. It may be one of the most painful experiences of my entire life...ranking right along with death of loved ones and my mother's horrible accident. I am shocked at the depth of the anguish that tries to stick in my mind and heart. I struggle with wanting to hold on to resentment. I think this is a natural, human way to react to feeling hurt, but it is not the way that I choose to react. It certainly is not God's way.
The greatest danger for me in admitting resentment in my mind and heart is it often leads to the desire to retaliate. I feel justified in wanting to even the score, hurt back and try to do it with a deeper hurt than what I experienced. I want to pay back to others what they have done to me. That is the ugly truth about me.
But I have to stop and think. How can I logically and mercifully consider trying to punish someone for what she did to me? I cannot possibly understand her motives or intentions. Could it be that the hurt was not intentional? Maybe I am being over sensitive? Even though I might know the person that has hurt me, and know her well, I cannot judge her heart based on her behavior.
Nobody has given me the right to punish anyone for anything. My God reserves that right to Himself. "Vengence is mine, saith the Lord." Therefore any attempt at retaliation for an injury can only react unhappily on me. (ODAT in Al-Anon)
The beautiful truth is that with God, I can handle all things that He allows into my life, even this. I will respond with grace and mercy, acknowlegding the wound and allowing Him to heal. I choose to not become hard hearted and self protective, but to learn from what I have experienced and be tender hearted toward the friends that are in my life today.
(The Lord) heals the brokenhearted and binds up thier wounds. Psalm 147:3
I have a friend who I have loved like a sister. The enjoyment of our friendship was very "David and Jonathon", if you will. We understood each other easily and without effort. But, due to the influence of various events, our friendship has taken very drastic turns in our ability to remain close. Some of these changes are out of our control, but some are changes that one or the other of us have purposefully made. A few of them were meant to have positive results and a couple of them have been made in response to hurt. It may be one of the most painful experiences of my entire life...ranking right along with death of loved ones and my mother's horrible accident. I am shocked at the depth of the anguish that tries to stick in my mind and heart. I struggle with wanting to hold on to resentment. I think this is a natural, human way to react to feeling hurt, but it is not the way that I choose to react. It certainly is not God's way.
The greatest danger for me in admitting resentment in my mind and heart is it often leads to the desire to retaliate. I feel justified in wanting to even the score, hurt back and try to do it with a deeper hurt than what I experienced. I want to pay back to others what they have done to me. That is the ugly truth about me.
But I have to stop and think. How can I logically and mercifully consider trying to punish someone for what she did to me? I cannot possibly understand her motives or intentions. Could it be that the hurt was not intentional? Maybe I am being over sensitive? Even though I might know the person that has hurt me, and know her well, I cannot judge her heart based on her behavior.
Nobody has given me the right to punish anyone for anything. My God reserves that right to Himself. "Vengence is mine, saith the Lord." Therefore any attempt at retaliation for an injury can only react unhappily on me. (ODAT in Al-Anon)
The beautiful truth is that with God, I can handle all things that He allows into my life, even this. I will respond with grace and mercy, acknowlegding the wound and allowing Him to heal. I choose to not become hard hearted and self protective, but to learn from what I have experienced and be tender hearted toward the friends that are in my life today.
(The Lord) heals the brokenhearted and binds up thier wounds. Psalm 147:3
1 comment:
The friend that this blog post is about seemed concerned after reading this that readers might believe that she had intentionally hurt me. In order to clarify any misrepresentation of the circumstances revolving around this "hurt"...the majority of the hurt was not intentional, just unmet expectations. Also, I don't want anyone to believe the hurt is one sided. I have done my fair share of hurting as well, and some of that was intentional. By what she said, I think she was concerned that I was pointing fingers at the hurt she inflicted on me and not taking responsibility for my part. I do take responsibility for my part. My response to the hurt was outrageous. I called names. I used profanity. I screamed at her and told her that she was not a good friend for not meeting my expectations -for what seemed like the millionth time in my mind. Like I said in the first paragraph of this post, I don't know what is harder to live with, the hurt that I received or the hurt that I doled out. Apologies have been made, but words that are said can never be taken back. I have changed this relationship forever with the part that is mine. And I have let go of any expectations that this person will ever meet my needs in a close friendship.
So, life goes on. This too shall pass.
These writings are a journal of my heart. The emotions could change from one day to the next and are never meant to point out the wrong doings of anyone else, but my journey as I learn how to be the person God wants me to be. This story is part of the process.
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