I want to start the day over today. Thankfully, it is almost over, so if I just hang on, I will be asleep soon and tomorrow is another day. Today is a day I am grateful to not be living by the Jewish calendar and starting my day at sundown. Well, scratch that! If it is sundown as I type, than technically, I can call it a new day.
It has just been one of those days. You know, where you wake up not feeling good, go to work anyway, feel terrible and wish you weren't there, and then get home and wish you were back at work? Yeah, I am having one of those days!
It is at times like these that I know that I really can start my day over whenever I want. This is a program tool that I love, even though I sometimes have a hard time using it - like today. I am trying to "finish" up some things at work as I prepare to vacate my position. The girl I am supposed to train is on vacation this week. And I really am not feeling well. I feel like I am drowning in mundane tasks that everyone wants completed before I leave and I struggle with feeling resentment and anger.
Our Thanksgiving celebration is not turning out exactly like I had hoped. It's all okay, just a couple of "key" visitors that are not going to make it which has caused me to have to make yet ANOTHER trip to the grocery store (my dear husband volunteered though - yay him!) What bothers me more than the shopping is the underlying question as to what (if anything) might really be going on. And even though I chose to keep these thoughts inside my head, my kids expressed them without my even saying a word. And you know what happens when a mama feels her kids are hurting...not good. And again I struggle with resentment and anger.
To top it all off, I allowed myself to react to a comment that I wish I had let roll off of me. I canceled my house cleaner who was coming tomorrow. My house really isn't that dirty, and I will be home tomorrow to do the little bit of cleaning that needs to be done, but still... (pout, stomp) What was I thinking? Resentment and anger are bubbling just below the surface.
I want to wallow there, and if not there, then I could spend some time with self-pity and self-doubt. Each, like those little devils, perched on each of my shoulders, whispering into my ears, Resentment and Anger saying, "What a jerk!" (about the person who I feel wronged by) or Self-pity and Self-doubt saying, "Look how stupid and incapable you are - no wonder these things happen to you."
But, I know there is another way. I can acknowledge that I have been hurt. And my kids too. And I can take ownership of my own actions that I regret (canceling the house cleaner) But I do not have to choose to listen to those thoughts that only frustrate and paralyze me. I can let go and let God. I can choose to enjoy the day anyway - starting right now. I will be aware that when I am tired and not feeling well, that I am more susceptible to stinking thinking, and I can make choices to stop those thoughts in their tracks. If I really am having trouble, I can call a trusted friend for help.
And I will not forget that I have my God who gives the greatest help!
What a relief it is to give up and move into a new day!