Saturday, February 21, 2009
Have you ever just had one of those days when you are so full that you feel like emotions are just oozing out of your heart?
My day has been like that.
And I sit here, screen in front of my weary, weepy eyes with too many words, heart bubbling over like soup left behind on high on the stove.
What do I do with this?
My Step Study class is taking me right where God wants me. I rejoice over that, but it hurts. I drove, prayerfully, to the church building, early this morning. Tears began to fall as I struggled with memories. You see, I am taking a fearless and honest personal inventory. One that reaches deep into the depths of who I am, who I have been, and who God wants me to be. I sat down in the class room, streaks on my cheeks. This is a place for honesty, safe. A group of other women seeking God with all their hearts to recover from brokenness that only God can repair. Honesty trickled from my lips as I shared with two others before the start of class. I read answers that I had written on my sheet (we can only answer if we have written), answers that I took the time to dwell on and to pray over, even sat alone in a coffee shop to give dedicated thought to some.
I listened to others. God stretched me, tugged on me, showed me things that I needed to see. It was me and Him this morning, talking. The other 20 in my group (and the 400 in the Recovery Class at large group time) were fuzzy, even invisible, as I sat, just me and my Lord. I asked for prayer; the ability to evaluate for the purpose of healing and not obsessing. And I sat quietly to face the consequences of my sin. The loss of friends. Reputation. I wrote note on my journal to friend sitting next to me, "I feel like a bad person." Her arm around me, my tears and my head on her shoulder. She said, "You are not." I said, "I know." I was full.
My impatience to return home to my dear husband was filling me with emotions that have been dulled for a while. The safety of being in his arms, in his presence. "What is this?", my head was asking as my heart declined a lunch offer with friends to be home with my beloved. A fullness filled me that I had thought was hardened. Feelings rekindled and I was full.
Off again to a play, with friends. My eyes are still quick to fill, my heart is still bursting with emotion. I am eager, anticipating time with these friends - the one's that God has put in my life to "do life with." I have held back a little the past months - afraid. Friends are scary, they hurt. They aren't to be trusted, especially the one's from church. God speaks to my heart in the car and says, "Trust me." Deep breath and into the group I go.
We are seeing a play on the first 10 chapter of Genesis. I share that I am feeling "full", weepy. Another shares her morning; weepy and angry, and another struggling also. My confession comes. God has just brought me face to face with my sin...again. This time repentance is Godly and I am unable to shake how unworthy I am. I am full.
To see the live production of the Beginning was amazing. The performance was captivating. Scripture, verbatim. In Hebrew, some. Naked, some. My soul was rejoicing, "I know that God!" "He is my God!" I wept and I laughed and then wept some more. I knew this God, and He loved me. I was full.
Dinner, relaxed and unhurried. Testimonies, planning, dreaming. Honest sharing between friends. Trust. Do I, Father? Can I? They don't know me. They don't know where I have been. I hear Him say, "Trust me." My eyes fill. My heart softens. Honesty trickles from my lips, fearfully, but willing. No gasps from my friends, no eyes fall on the table. Just love. I am full.
I make a trip to the movie rental store on the way home. It is family night for my hubby and daughter and me. The movie we picked was already gone, so I grabbed a different one in hopes that my family would approve. It was a movie based on a book that had been given to me by my former best friend, the one who I mourn, the one who I have lost as a consequence of my sin (and hers).
Can I do it? Can I watch it and not hurt too badly?
My husband, a skeptic, my daughter reluctant...we all sit down to watch The Secret Life of Bees. We are pulled in to the story of hurt and of love. We cry and we cry some more. And we are grateful for our love. We are full.
As I prepare my mind for a night of rest, my heart is full. My eyes they still leak with the over abundance of emotion that fills my heart this day. These random thoughts, now recorded..."dumped" as my son would say, on whoever chooses to read this unedited, totally unprepared post from my heart. The journey of my heart continues.
Today, God has shown me how much He has done for me...ME! He revealed to me the depths of His mercy even though the consequences of my sin remain. I will not be able to go back and make right some of the things that are past. But, He gives me hope like I have never experienced before. I know, I know, I KNOW, that I am not the same.
I am so full.