Saturday, September 13, 2008

Grief

Last week, I attended a Grief Workshop. I went because it has been suggested to me by people who love me that I am grieving. Although I believed this to be true, I have been frustrated with myself for not being able to "handle this on my own."

So, I did what I like to do...I bought a book...on Grief. Some things that have brought clarity and help so far are words like:

"It's not just about death."

I have experienced death. My brother died at a young age to suicide, my grandmother and great grandmother were tragically killed in a tornado, all my other grandparents have died, many aunts, uncles, friends, and this summer the death of our friend, Jason, rocked my sorrow to the core. I know what loss due to death feels like. And guess what? Grieving feels the same, no matter what the loss. I am grieving the loss of that friendship, the one that was my "best", the one that was suppose to last until old age. I have been embarrassed and angry and denying the amount of pain that this has caused in my life. I thought I should be able to do this thing, it should not be so hard. Let Go and Let God. blah, blah, blah.

I have even tried to rationalize the situation. After all, I agree with the decision. I have tried to end this friendship for years on my own. Every time I tried, she asked me to hang in there, to not give up. I am angry that I allowed her to talk me out of my decision...only to be cut out of her life at her own hand after years of her encouragement to hang on. How embarrassing is that?

I can see that all the things I asked of her, she is unable to give...to me. I am aware of the fact it is not her character as she has moved all of the languages of friendship that I communicated with her into her new friendship. I asked for regular communication, she was unable. She is able now. I asked her to go have coffee regularly, she was unable. She is able now. I asked her to go to many events...concerts, etc...even offering to pay since money was an issue...she was unable. She is able now. I asked for her to participate in girl "group" activities and she declined. She initiates them now. The list goes on and on. And I am grieving - the loss of what could have been.

I accept that now.

So, I am officially declaring myself in "Grief Recovery." I will move through this and come out on the other side with joy and peace and a better person, more pleasing to God. I am certain without a shadow of a doubt that I will be a better friend, I have already experienced that in my friendships that have survived this matter with me and also the new ones that God has so lovingly provided me as I walk through this journey.

"Grief is a process."

There are five stages of grief according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I hope stage one is over for me today. I accept that the friendship is over. One of the things that is recommended in the book is sharing my grief. Done.

I will not mask my grief, I will accept it. I will experience my pain, be aware of it, accept, and take action.

I have so much to be grateful for. I choose to live today making the most of all the beautiful blessings in my life that God has given me. I will ask for help when I need it. I will accept love and compassion, and I will also give it. I will pray. I will not worry about how long it will take.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18




3 comments:

Mary Ann Duncan said...

good

grey like snuffie said...

It's good to have all sorts of "help" along the way in life. Lots of experience in my life through work, volunteer and personal experience with grief---trust God to take you through at His pace in His way. Kubler-Ross's steps sometimes happen out of the order she lists them. God is such a gentleman and will do a complete work in you if that is your desire. So as much as He can use all kinds of "things" to help you through---just keep taking them all back to Him to be handled in His way. This will be good for you. He is at work.

nothingcanseparateme said...

Hi Liz,
I followed your blog from Lelia's upcoming book study. As I began to read my heart cried for you and for me. You see, I "lost" my best friend about 2 1/2 years ago. And I feel as if I have been grieving for about as long. In fact just this past weekend at a Women of Faith conference (the topic was grace) I considered contacting her again. I thought that I was "past" that idea. I am learning to be thankful for the season of that friendship and what it meant to me at that time. It can never be the same again--too much has happened, too much trust is gone. And I have also learned that even though the pain of loss is great, I am grateful for the joy of love that I experienced when we were each others best friends. Hope some of this makes sense to you.

I am slooooowwwly allowing new people into my lives. And I am finding my heart full at times with the love of friends.

Hang in there--God loves you and I believe that he will place someone in our life again someday to be our "best friend"

hugs,
Kim from PA