Friday, June 26, 2009

Remembering Pain and Seeing Good

Just over a year ago (by two days) I sat on an airplane leaving my former "home" in Virginia; my second visit after my move to Texas, at that time, 3 years ago. It was a day full of sadness and pain that words could not possibly express, not plain sentences anyway. The prayers that went up that day were certainly interceded by the Holy Spirit as much of what I prayed, there were no words.

Things had changed in Virginia. And I lost the person who had been my very best friend there...the one we, as women, call "BFF" (best friend forever). She and I knew we had a David/Jonathon type friendship. The only thing missing for a while was our "Saul". He showed up and the story played out. On June 24th, I was David, behind the rock. And I left, never to be seen again. Yes, friends, the friendship had to end. My "Saul" was ready to kill the friendship...and he did.
(to read the story of Jonathon and David, go to 1 Samuel 18 in the Bible.)

A poem flowed from my heart as I sat on that airplane and I posted it on this blog. It came to mind today as I pondered and prayed for my friend, and the one's who also I once was close to. I find myself sad, but praising God for the way He has healed my heart since the day I wrote these words. I still hope for reconciliation some day.


A fire burns behind me
I run to keep ahead
Those who I once cared for becoming cold and dead
Red and black the flames grow high
Smoke rises in the air
The pain of my unworthiness
Seems more than I can bear

In front of me I see the sun
I long to feel it's heat
The iciness inside my heart has paralyzed my feet
I see the moon, I see the stars
They swirl and dance for me
I see the hole, the big dark hole
Where one star used to be


Stacy said...

Your poem is beautiful articulate and amazing. I pray for your continued healing and for the reconciliation of this friendship.

I lost whom I believed to be my "bff" forever due to necessary boundaries in the relationship being crossed. I was devastated and the ending of that friendship also meant leaving many others whom I loved behind.

"The incident" occurred over 11 years ago yet somewhat of a closure was allowed to occur (very unexpectedly) via facebook this past May.

The "big dark hole" remains but is slowly being filled by God's grace.

Much love to and appreciation for you, Liz.

In Him,

Letters From Midlife said...

It's hard to fill in the gap left when a friend like that is lost. I know it well. I hope you are able to reconcile someday. I'm not sure I ever will with the friend I lost. Not sure I even want to anymore....

Paula (SweetPea) said...

If I've not told you so I love the blog design. I know I've told you the flower is gorgeous...I could never forget that brilliant flower and the focus of the camera.

Oh how I'm learning the most magnicifient beauty of David and Jonathon. I'm doing Beth's study "A Heart Like His". We are now in I Sam 23. It's all very intriguing: David, Saul, D and J's bond to the point of a covenant. Now, that's big time committment for friendship to be covenant.

I know your pain but in a different way. I don't know if I told you but I basically lost my bff five months after my beloved left me. She was my rock, ROCK, and then all of a sudden she left. The last conversation we had, she said she could no longer do Bible study with me b/c she could not agree to disagree on the Bible. That is, she believed my beloved could not "overpower" God's will by divorcing me therefore it was God's will for us to divorce.

It is still a deep pain in my heart because I don't know why she dropped me like a hot potato as a friend just because she decided to not study the Word with me. She is three years younger than me and my counselor at the time said it is the older women who should teach the younger so all is well.

Other than that, there was no reason or issue to cause the friendship to burn. Yet, she will not even reply to an email or say thanks for a birthday card. Yet, in Walmart she said "it was fun to see you." Fun? Most people say good to see you.

Reading Stacy's comment it makes me think how are so many Christian friendships breaking down? Shouldn't we of all people be bound? Shouldn't Christians being loving Christians? If we can love and forgive fellow Christians how are we going to love/forgive unbelievers?

Mary Ann Duncan said...

It makes me sad too. Mothers don't like for people to hurt their children.

L.L. Barkat said...

This I liked...

"Where one star used to be"

And I think I missed this poem before. So sorry! I'll be sure to link to it in the HCB list this week.

Also, I don't believe I ever answered your question about Stone Crossings. Sure, you could order a copy (instructions and address are in the comment box on that "Editor Cindy" post). Sigh. My head has been in the clouds. :)

sojourner said...

Hi! I came here through HighCalling Blogs' poetry Friday. This is a sad poem that speaks for all who have lost people close to heart. This line touched me:

"A fire burns behind me
I run to keep ahead"

Because it reminds me how broken relationships can cause much tragedy in life. Keep focused on the Son's light and perhaps one day you will be reconciled.