I just returned from Las Vegas. It is the last thing on my mind. So, what is one to do when so much is on your heart that you can't find the words to express anything? I want to share my adventures, but what is really on my mind is my kids. The pain of lost love. Teenage break ups.
My mind goes back to the early years. The thing I most longed for was a full night of sleep. Not having to go to a crib and find a pacifier to place back in crying babe's mouth. "Please, Lord, don't let there be a fever."
Now, I wonder...is she the one he should marry? Will he regret this decision? Or will she remain firm on her decision to break up with him? Will he get moved to Texas like he wants? Like I want? Will she get into Grad school? What about his job in Washington DC?
Night falls, I am in soft and comfortable bed, my husband's soft snore beside me. I want to be at peace, but I am tossing and turning. Visions in my head like nightmares. Thoughts that pop in uninvited. I repeat prayers of surrender to God...over and over. I cannot control these things.
I long to plug a pacifier into crying babe's mouth. I can do that. Baby is stilled, calmed, sleeping.
Life is so much more difficult. Pacifiers are thrown away.
Babies grow up and they have grown up problems. And I am still "mom", who wants to make all the hurt stop.
But pain is part of life. I know that, I have my own hurt. Things that didn't turn out how I had hoped. Betrayal. Rejection. Even regret. Text messages that come with news that takes my breath away. Calling a friend only to have her refuse the call. Abuse. Imprisonment. Jealousy.
I know where the answer is. "Cast all your anxiety on HIM, for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
Cast = "to throw or hurl"
I love that. It doesn't sound like to cast those things on Him has any regrets. Today, I am hurling my worries at Jesus.
Maybe tonight, sleep will come easier.
Maybe tomorrow I will want to write about Las Vegas. Tonight, I am tired from throwing cares away.