Friday, March 7, 2008

T. G. I. F.

Whew! I am so glad that it is Friday! Occasionally, I experience a week, or a season, that I just can't seem to wait until it is over and this past week was one of them. It saddens me to admit, but I just muddle my way through, looking toward whatever end is in sight and I know I waste a lot of time and opportunities, but sometimes life is just so hard! That was my week.

Every first week of the month, my job requires that we close out the month. This requires a tremendous amount of work and thought as we accumulate all the services provided by the doctors we work for and make sure that everything is submitted accurately and by the deadline. This occurred yesterday. I spend the week on guard against errors, reassuring physicians and staff and coaching the employees that work for me to get the job done. It makes me very tired even though I love it.

That in itself is enough to exhaust a person. But this week, I also have had some emotionally and spiritually tiring situations.

One biggie in the list of lessons was how God goes about refining, and how He used it with me just this past week. I made a decision that I was certain to be of God but discovered through His loving reprimand that I had gone about it the wrong way. I was sitting in a service and a statement was made by the pastor speaking that caused my heart to stop and my palms to sweat. Had I not been a visitor in this congregation, I would have probably been prostrate on the floor within minutes, but my heart was certainly there. I sat, with tears in my eyes, in a dumb founded stupor, full of conviction. I walked directly to the parking lot and dialed up a friend of mine who is praying for me and holding me accountable to this decision. Within hours, I had made the amends that needed to be made, at least to the best of my human ability, with my friend holding me accountable to what I needed to do. Since that day, my heart has been heavy as the Enemy has tried to win me back...but he will not win!!!! The battle is enough to make me want to crawl into bed for days. God is my strength!

As all of this was playing out, it dawned on me...I am in a trial! Sometimes it takes me a while...the blond hair that I was born with occasionally affects my quick thinking skills and this was one of those times. So, once I realized what was going on, I began to pray more specifically. I came face to face with what He wanted me to see - just this week - and it is not pretty. I realized that I was in the fire of being refined (as in the refining of gold or silver) and what that meant. The purpose of the heat in the refining process is to allow the dross or the impurities in the metal to move to the surface. All of the yucky stuff is moved together, even the smallest particle and surfaces so that it can be skimmed away and the liquid is left pure. I saw a part of myself in the last few days that I had no idea was still part of my me anymore and boy did it hurt. Flesh woman, the one I thought was dead and buried came back in the form of an ugly monster and caused me to behave in a way that no eye should behold! Oh, the grief of resurrected sin. And worse yet, the grief over the ones that I hurt. Talk about tired...guilt can sure wear a person to the bone! But, once again, God is good...He is Redeemer...MY Redeemer!

I realize that to catch a glimpse of the Flesh Woman supposedly dead and buried, was His perfect way of challenging me to freedom. He does not expose the impurities to make me feel guilty and condemn me, but to forgive me, to heal me and give me freedom! Oh, I just pray that I will keep my eyes on Him, that I will love those around me the way that I want to love them and that they will forgive me for my messes. I covet the prayers of those who patiently wait along side of me, my husband, my children, my mother, and friends, as God continues the work that He is doing in me. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for looking past that monster and seeing me as God sees me.

At a time when my eyes weep with the pain of who I am without Christ, I also weep at how much mercy and grace He has given me. He blesses me with love and support. He gently guides me back into His will for my life. I am being refined. It was a tough week, but I hope that I am a little more like Him because of it.

Still a little warm-
Liz

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

It seems starting your week by being awakened by a dream where you are receiving a kiss from your enemy really did set you up for a rough week.

We can be very hard on ourselves. It is easy to let that little voice tell us over and over again how unworthy and undeserving we are. We can be our own worst enemy. That is not the work of God.

You have just had a rough week.

Keep your eyes on God. Love those around you. Those around you love and pray for you. No monster here. Just the Liz we love!

Lelia Chealey said...

Wow Liz, this was so real & beautiful. I too had a hard time this week with things from the past & was weak in some areas. Thanks for the reminder of refining.
This was so good for me to read.
Thanks my sweet friend.
Love,
Lelia